It has been officially declared that the popular pastime drunk cycling is to be added to the official Olympic roster of sports.
“Well cycling while drunk, while also being easily the most fun and enjoyable method of cycling, is also the most challenging,” confirmed the Olympic committee who say that participants will compete over four heats involving varying stages of drunkenness and situations before the finals at the next summer Olympic games in Rio.
“There’ll be night time cycling as standard, the early morning cycle of shame, mid afternoon early drunk cycling and late evening sunset post-work drinks cycling,” explained the panel, all of whom were amiably drunk. “All of these times offer unique drunk cycling challenges such trying to keep your cigarette lit, talking on the phone and holding your pint without spilling.”
“In the true spirit of the sport the athletes will have to perform various drunken tasks like singing and avoiding traffic while on the bike as well as finishing the course,” continued the committee. “The person who finishes the course in the quickest time with the least amount of falls will be declared winner.”
Other rules include “finishing your pint before the line” and “points deducted for any piss stops along the way” with extra points being rewarded to those who “are demonstrably more drunk”.
Experts say that with the popularisation of cycling in recent years that they expect the event to be one of their more successful and are hoping for record numbers of viewers and participants.
“We’re also hoping that some of the more boozy countries like Ireland and Australia can make an impact where there’s a high level of drunken cyclists who are competing at the very, very top of the sport already,” explained the source. “I saw a guy in Dublin once cycle bar foot while holding a smoke in one hand and a full pint in the other while singing through his phone at his shoulder. It was majestic.”
