Reports across the country have today claimed that the entire country is set to try ecstasy in the next few months as top manufacturers of the drug are set to roll out a new bacon flavour of the popular dance floor snack.
“For years ecstasy has only come in one basic flavour – gack,” claimed manufacturer and importer Garry Pillton, who resides in Amsterdam where he is head of production at one of the city’s top pill factories. “But now, with ketamine, cocaine and alcohol, all contending for that precious dance floor dollar we’ve got to rethink our marketing strategy for ecstasy and one of the ways we’re doing that is by introducing flavours.”
Garry insists that one of the reasons people aren’t more open to try ecstasy is because of the “taste of rotten chemicals that it leaves on the user’s tongue” and believes that if that happened to taste like something delicious like “bacon or ice cream” then people would be more likely to try it.
“Picture yourself in the club, someone says ‘here do you want this pill that tastes of ballbag and batteries…OR do you want this one that tastes like rashers?'” asked Garry. “As nice as licking ballbag can be, you’d definitely go for the bacon.”
Garry claims that the campaign will target demographics who’ve never taken ecstasy before – people under 16, stupid people who fall for advertising, grandparents and dry-shite Snow Patrol fans – all of whom he feels will bang one if it tasted like their favourite breakfast ingredient.
“Who doesn’t like rashers?” he contended. “Plus, they’re 100% fat free, and after having eaten one you’re likely to dance off excess fat so eating pills that taste like bacon really is the healthy way to start any day, or night.”
Some of the other flavours that are in production, set for a Christmas release, include cola, chocolate, chemical and mansweat.
