Clubbers have today been issued a warning that a batch of ecstasy tablets in the shape of David Guetta’s face are reportedly “very weak”.
The lurid pink tablets, millions of which are believed to have been made in France by a group of chemists who don’t know what they’re doing, have an imprint of the French popstar’s smiling face embedded into one side of the tablet and his bum on the back.
According to Pillreports, users who have experimented with the tablets have been “getting nothing off them” and claiming “you barely come up for about ten minutes and then you’re down again, it just doesn’t consistently provide any kind of uplift or buzz” but are still weirdly popular – “mostly among teenagers who don’t know good pills when they get them”.
“Sure you could still call them ecstasy, they contain the basic elements of ecstasy – they’re in tablet form and they purportedly create a high in the person who consumes them but that’s where it ends,” continued Alex, a pill reports regular. “Calling these ecstasy when there is real, proper ecstasy in the world is like calling David Guetta a dance DJ when there’s Carl Cox in the scene. No comparison.”
“The relationship that these shit pills have to other pills on the market perfectly mirrors the relationship that Guetta has to proper DJs,” claimed the pill reporter. “It’s actually borderline offensive to maintain that these are pills compared to real pills when they’re so plainly weak and insipid.”
Reports from some experienced ecstasy users who experimented with the pills claim that “rather than taking an inordinate amount of time to come up, they just sort of hit you right away with a bland and barely noticeable feeling of mild contentment before fucking off in under five minutes, leaving you annoyed and disappointed at the quality – sort of like Guetta’s music but in pill form”.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, one of the chemists who created the pills insists that they contain as much MDMA as average pills but for some reason Guetta’s face appears to be masking the effects.
“Much like what would happen to the average pill user if they were forced to listen to David Guetta while on pills – you’d actually be brought down,” claimed the chemist. “It’s just a natural effect of David Guetta’s music on the brain, it depresses and dispirits even the most potent of highs.”
“In a year when there’s been some really strong batches of ecstasy going around, that have filled people with delight and euphoria, these pills fall like a flaccid condom on the eyeball of a blameless passing dog,” concluded the chemist. “I’d advise against taking them, you’d be better off having a strong cup of coffee and a smoke.”
