Fans across America have today rejoiced in the realisation that EDM is the new Nu-Metal.
“It has all the angst and guileless purpose of nu metal sheathed in a fog of MDMA,” claimed music scene analyst and skinny jean wearer Kurt Hitchfork. “The uniquely American individualism seems to allow cretins to unthinkingly follow whatever musical movement is popular at the time, like EDM, Nu Metal and George Bush.”
“There’s the shit clothes, shit music which is derivative of other more relevant forms of music and outwardly embarrassing figureheads backed up by money men trying to cash in as quickly as they can,” claimed an industry expert. “Steve Aoki is basically just a skinnier, cake eating Fred Durst.”
“If you play EDM bro anthem Avicii’s Levels on an electric guitar and have some screeching teenager sing over it you get any song that Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit or Papa Roach ever made,” he continued, “if they added a bass drop.”
“We hope that like nu-metal it’ll drift into obscurity in 2 to 3 years,” he added. “Or sooner, hopefully.”
Limp Bizkit frontman and vaguely remembered embarrassment from the early noughties Fred Durst has claimed that he invented EDM in 2006 when he was trying to find a brash and uninspiring chord structure for one of his rap-rock “songs”.
“I totally invented it, me and Jack Osborne in the back of Kid Rock’s winnebago while high on Oxy,” he added. “The song was called “Rage All Night” (Because You Hate Your Parents). But I could have totally dropped the suffix.”
“Eventually,” concluded Mr. Hitchfork, “people like Steve Aoki will just form an embarrassing ‘what were we thinking’ footnote in American popular consciousness as people grow up and start listening to real music.”
