“EDM Fans Only Using 10% Of 10% Of Their Brains,” Warns Report

A report by the American Neurological Organisation has issued a damning report regarding the maximum brain capabilities of EDM fans claiming that those people who enjoy being spoon fed the warm piss of artists like Calvin ‘Torso’ Harris, David ‘Hair’ Guetta and Steve ‘Cake’ Aoki, are actually only using 10% of the 10% of the brain that most of humanity uses.

“What we’ve seen when we carried out our tests on these people is that, while most humans are capable of only using 10% of their brains, these human’s are actually only capable of using 10% of that 10%,” claimed study leader Dr. Archibald St. True.

“They probably don’t even have the brain capacity to figure out that 10% of 10% is 1%. If you were to ponder that simple mathematical question to them they’d more than likely just start crying or wet their pants to defend themselves,” he added.

“Even if you tried to phrase the question on their level by asking that if Steve Aoki cut a cake into ten equal pieces and then cut each of those pieces into ten equal pieces, how many pieces would he have, they’d probably just shove the cake into their faces and then sit on the floor smashing incorrect pieces of a jigsaw together in a way that indicates their lack of spatial awareness,” he added.

“Morons like the one pictured will actually only use a small fraction of their brain throughout their lives which has some profound results on their development,” he continued, pointing to research which indicates that, like a child responding to a mobile, the EDM fan will respond to basic gestures like heart hands and engage in toddler-level oral fascinations with pacifiers.

“They’ll typically have underdeveloped faculties to judge aesthetics that will be the equivalent of a small child or large monkey. Meaning that they’ll only respond to the most simplistic melodies, bright colours and candy-like drugs.”

Dr. True claimed that they were developing a cure for, what he has termed Garrix Syndrome, but believes that successful treatment of it may be some years off and that the best course of action may lie in the field of euthanasia – a drastic measure that is being fought by everyone like the entire raft of commercial DJs, SFX Entertainment and Beatport on the grounds that if they didn’t have these idiots propping up their businesses then they’d be dead in the water.