Following a government ruling into the dangers posed by the current stream of piss-poor commercial dance music, all tracks that fall under the pop-electro-house rubric of EDM are to be labelled as unsuitable for people over the age of 18.
The ruling comes following numerous casual observances that anyone over the age of 18 who continues to listen to EDM fails to develop a full grasp of music and goes through life listening to David Guetta and Snow Patrol and being boring.
“Well it’s quite dangerous for anyone over the age of 18 to be listening to this type of music, celebrating as it does a kind of dumb simplicity towards partying with its gratingly energetic beats and playground rhyme melodies,” claimed an FCC spokesperson. “We’ve discovered that if you’re over 18 and still listen to this then you probably won’t develop correctly as an adult and spend the rest of your life thinking bland, easy to digest garbage is good.”
“One man who kept listening to commercial dance music until he was 25 is now unable to differentiate good forms of art from bad and spends his time listening to Nickelback, laughing at the received misogyny of Two and A Half Men and queuing to see the latest Fast & Furious film without a hint of irony.”
Doctors claim that listening to EDM after the age of 18 will cause the listener to become an entrenched philistine who only likes his or her music to be simple to understand and to contain musical queues indicating when he or she should enjoy themselves.
“After having listened to EDM for so long some of the people were unable to tell if they were enjoying music or not if it didn’t have any drops in it,” explained the spokesperson. “They would just sway slightly making piano hand gestures thinking that the entire track was a breakdown. Some of them got so bad that they were unable to hear any sounds without anticipating a drop to tell them how they feel.”
Some other side effects that are caused from listening to EDM over the age of 18 include a predilection towards bright colours, an inability to tell when someone is being sarcastic and thinking swag and money are a measure of cool.
