Popular London nightclub Egg has confirmed the launch of a new night, “Free Range”, in which they will provide a “better quality of DJ”, offering all nine essential amino acids, for their audience.
As one of London’s last rave venues yet to be shut down, the owners appear to have gone above and beyond to ensure “those wankers in local council who keep shutting down the best clubs” are happy with the “forward-thinking” measures being taken to ensure punters obtain “protein rich, good fats sound”.
“We are delighted to finally announce this night,” said club manager Dan Spring. “The DJs booked will be from better backgrounds and have better upbringings. We guarantee they’ll have been rared in large areas with outside space for them to go out and play in natural sunlight. Far too many DJs and producers were raised in dark basements and expected to churn out belter after belter. It’s all so inhumane and disgusting.”
“These DJs, some of which are caged as youngsters, go directly from the basement of their mum’s house, to the basement of a studio, to the basement of a nightclub,” continued Dan. “This is massively frowned upon by activist groups and we hope to pioneer change and make a long-term difference. Our free range DJs offer vitamins, minerals, and a brand new experience for the modern day ravers who care where their music is sourced. A DJ or producer who has spent time in a park as a youngster will notoriously play a longer set and better records. It’s that simple.”
Wunderground can confirm the cost to attend the “Free Range” event will be slightly higher than normal because “happy DJ’s from happy homes” command higher fees.
