Even Diplo Doesn’t Want To Be Diplo
Walking EDM controversy machine Diplo has today distanced himself from himself after saying that he’d no longer be working under the name Diplo.
In an interview with the creatively titled Interview magazine the Mad Decent label head claimed to be distancing himself from the Diplo brand to focus on other projects.
Diplo who famously labeled former girlfriend M.I.A a sellout for working with a major label and popular artists before famously doing the same thing himself, is reported to have made the decision to stop being Diplo after failing to be aroused by his own reflection for the first time ever.
“I’d like to announce that, after some serious introspection in which I spent a full thirty minutes trying to become aroused by myself, I’ve decided that I’ll no longer have anything to do with the artist known as Diplo,” explained Diplo who expressed the wish to be referred to as Kenneth until he comes up with more engaging moniker. “Over the last few years the Diplo name has just become synoymous with all the excesses of bro culture dickbaggery and for that reason even I’ve fallen out of love with myself.”
Diplo has claimed that he’ll still be a bit of a spanner in public as he is contractually obliged to commit at least 6 controversial faux pas each year to remain relevant.
“I’ll still be a bit of dickhead in other guises so fans of my antics can still keep track of me,” he assured his Instagram followers, 43% of whom aren’t even aware that he’s a musician, caring only that he posts pics of rich stuff and trophy women. “I don’t want to stop being a dickhead completely. I envision working under a new name with a clean slate which I then stain with integrity-draining pop collaborations, misogynist tweets and veneration of swag.”
“It just became too much of a burden to handle,” he continued. “Like if I saw a woman at a show not shaking her ass I’d be forced to immediately body shame her before making a pithy, meaningless apology. Or if I ran into Dan Bilzerian on the street I’d have to shake his hand like he was an actual person deserving of acclaim and not another rich pampered hyper-bro with no self reflexivity or class.”
“I think I just became a bit sick of myself and it only became clear to me when I went for my mid-morning reflection wank the other day,” explained Diplo. “I was looking into my eyes and rubbing my nipples, all the things that would normally get my dick granite but nothing worked. It was then that I really looked at my eyes and saw the tears waiting to fall. I just closed my eyes and let them fall, feeling my penis becoming more erect with each sob.”
“Two minutes later I left that bathroom reinvigorated and spent but with a new purpose,” he gushed, from his mouth.
“I’m keen to branch into a new character,” concluded the producer who says that he is hard at work developing marketing strategies for the new character on top of which he’ll “probably tack on some music I guess”.
“I haven’t come up with a name yet but borrowing from recent naming trends in EDM it’ll have a Z in it, be based around weak pun and probably include a symbol.”