An expensive middle class eatery in the London borough of Islington is set to close down this week to be replaced by a music venue specialising in industrial techno, bass music and mephedrone.
The popular restaurant, The Gentry, was opened in 2007 by London’s cartoon mayor, Boris Johnson, riding a bike and was long seen as a landmark for London’s vibrant spending scene.
“The area has been receiving a lot of noise pollution complaints from locals who are fed up hearing the smug satsified sighing of aspirational thirtysomethings ordering risotto and scallops while clinking glasses of Rioja and repeating the phrase ‘fixed term mortgage’,” claimed a local council member. “The restaurant unfortunately had just become a magnet for a local underclass of boring middle class twerps in search of a sanitised, exclusive experience of eating food surrounded by people who look like themselves.”
One member of the public claimed she’s glad the restaurant is closing after witnessing some distasteful scenes outside the restaurant.
“Oh it’s a horrible place, I’d often see the middle income earners falling out of the place smiling grimly with the effort of pretending they’re having a good time before being forced to go and see Elton John in the O2 with their wives despised work friends,” she claimed. “Other times they’d be hanging around outside, fake laughing at jokes their boss was making while wilfully ignoring homeless people squatting next to them with their hands out.”
Many of the regular customers are reportedly “devo” that the their favourite restaurant is closing and are petitioning the council to keep it open claiming it provides “a necessary service to the community – where else could you get Egg’s Benedict done properly after 7pm on a Friday?”
“It’s, excuse the phrase, balderdash, I can’t believe they’re getting rid of The Gentry, where am I going to go to Instagram photos of my supper or harass staff,” he asked. “Next thing you know all the decent eateries in London are going to be replaced by dubstep filled laser holes with peeling wallpaper and vomit flecked teenagers having the time of their lives every weekend. It sounds disgusting.”
“To make things worse, I heard that they’re filling the space with some kind of techno club, must be trying to fill some kind of cultural brief or offer community outreach,” he concluded, “it’s this kind of stuff that makes me want to move out of London to somewhere more culturally relevant, like Dubai or Las Vegas.”
