Recently announced plans to extend next year’s Tomorrowland festival over the course of two consecutive weekends have been met with skepticism by experts from the European Rave Analyses Center.
Kenneth Watkins, an analytical forecaster with ERAC, has predicted that a large number of ticket holders will show up late for both weekends, but in particular the second weekend of the festival, which is set to be named, The Day After Tomorrowland.
The findings are based on an increasing number of patrons arriving a day late for the festival in recent years. This has been accredited to a combination of jet lag, drugs and sheer stupidity.
Mr. Watkins explained, “Since Tomorrowland launched in 2005 there have been two distinct trends. Firstly, there is a definite decline in the quality of music and performer evidenced by people like Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike appearing, and secondly, there has been a steady increase in the number of people arriving a day late for the festival.”
“Unsurprisingly these two trends are linked,” he continued. “As the quality of music declines so to does the level of intellect amongst the ticket holders. It’s simple really, stupid people tend to like shit music, and they’ve got both of those in droves at Tomorrowland.”
“They get a lot of the young EDM generation who like to go to these festivals to ‘find themselves,'” he added. “But the data indicates that they’re actually lucky to find the festival most of the time.”
Dr. Watkins offered that the name ‘Tomorrowland’ itself is confusing for people in the lower bracket of intelligence. “They see the word tomorrow in the title and automatically think they have a day to spare,” he explained. “At other festivals the most frequent causes of late attendance are because people over indulged the night before or were jet lagged from flights but at Tomorrowland over 80% of the late arrivals were because the punters misunderstood the title of the festival and arrived late.”
“As a three day festival, Tomorrowland has so far been able to cope with the loss of earning on the first day,” said Mr. Watkins. “But the increased size of the festival now means there will be more terrible music resulting in an influx of what are medically termed ‘idiots'” he concernedly explained. “If they can’t comprehend Tomorrowland, how are they going to get their heads around The Day After Tomorrowland?”
“If our calculations are correct and these patterns continue, we’re estimating that at least 40% of people are going to show up two days late for the second weekend of the festival in 2014 because they’ll think it doesn’t start until the day after tomorrow,” he explained apprehensively.
“This has serious implications and could result in a loss of earnings for the festival’s organisers. We’re worried that, even for a festival as big as Tomorrowland, this could spell the end for the festival as we know it,” he said with a grim look.
New Jersey native and STD carrier, Matt DiMarco, traveled to 2013’s festival and managed to miss entire first day. “Me and two of my football bros went over to catch some awesome EDM at Tomorrowland. Places in Asia have such weird names,” he said with a total lack of geographical awareness. “On the Friday morning I was like ‘awesome let’s go’ but then Chad said ‘wait brah it’s Tomorrowland we still got another day.’
“We thought the dates in Asia were different because of the metric system so we just hung out in the hotel chest bumping, muscle oiling and crushing empty beer cans against our head,” he continued. “I couldn’t believe it when we showed up a day late, I really wanted to see the Japanese guy who bakes cakes but we’d missed the first of his three shows. It was still totally freaking awesome though! EDM Rocks! Wooohoooo!!” he screamed while attempting an unrequited high five with a mirror.
