Following the news that London nightclub Fabric is to reopen, it has been revealed that one of the terms set out by Islington Council and the Metropolitan police is that the club must “no longer have any corners” available for ravers to hide in, whilst taking drugs.
The idea of making the venue a circular shape was put forward by anti-drugs architect Dorian Nofun, who believes “druggies” tend to “lurk within” dark corners to indulge in their “filthy habits” and having one long, continuous wall will be instantly deter people from “having a bump”.
“We’re going to refer to the wall as the wall of shame,” announced Nofun. “We expect people will be walking along the wall of shame in a bid to find a dark corner but it will just go on and on and on. Once security notices people going round and round they’ll have a good idea who the druggies are. If you’re looking for a dark corner, you’re definitely a drug addict and will be evicted and banned for life.”
Wunderground spoke with Islington Council spokesperson Jeremy Short about the other terms Fabric must agree to before reopening its doors, “We are going to install a giant fan which sits directly above the dance floor and blow away all dust and powder,” he told us. “People will think twice about opening up their wraps and packets, that’s for sure. It might also mess up a few hair dos, but so be it.”
“We also plan to install a four hundred watt floodlight in the middle of the room,” continued Short. “By making the club brighter than the sun we’ll be able to see what’s going on at all times. At the end of the day, Fabric might well be reopening but we plan to make it a fucking awful experience so nobody ever returns, then we can finally close it down and sell it to the Russian mafia to turn into luxury apartments.”
