A collective sigh of relief was heard all over the world last night after a large percentage of Earth’s population celebrated “Falling of the Wagon February” with a plethora of alcoholic beverages, having abstained from the evils of drink for the opening month of 2016.
According to industry insiders, the first Thursday, or any other acceptable drinking night, of February is always one of the busiest nights in the drinking calendar, with hundreds of thousands of people desperate for a drink after taking part in the mind numbingly boring practice of “Dry January”.
“Fall of the Wagon February is so much more fun than dry January,” explained Monica, a slightly tipsy drinker in a north London pub. “What the fuck is Dry January anyway? When did that even become a thing? The only reason I did was because some of my friends were doing it and I didn’t want to have to drink on my own. If it was for charity or people’s health I could understand it but, as far as I can tell, it’s all just about looking good on social media and trying to fool people into thinking that you don’t use alcohol as a crutch to get you through your pathetic life.”
“There’s just no fun to be had during January, everyone’s dieting or detoxing or something boring,” claimed Monica, a team leader at an established recruitment agency. “So many aspects of my life depend on a having a good lubrication of drink. I’m socially awkward, I don’t particularly like people and I have massive self esteem issues so without drink I’m depending on my own company to keep me entertained and sober me isn’t all that entertaining.”
“I’ve literally been counting the days until I’d have people to drink with again,” continued Monica, a second generation Irish emigrant. “I tried to get everyone out Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday but no one was having any of it. Thankfully drinking on a Thursday is totally fine and now, bar a bit of a sore head in work tomorrow morning, I’ve got four consecutive, guilt free days of drinking to look forward to. I may even get drunk and go home with a bloke for some unsatisfactory, messy, drunk sex. Who knows what the weekend has in store for me?”
At the time of going to print, Monica is believed to have recruited over one hundred and fifty coworkers to join her for an after work drink.
