The horde of fans who gatecrashed London’s Wireless Festival on Friday night are reportedly running the other way now that they’ve realised that EDM pop-gimp David Guetta is on the schedule.
Videos have surfaced online over the last few days of a group of around 150 people breaking into the popular EDM and hip-hop festival, whose lineup also featured regrettable poptards Drake and white-nostriled charlatan Avicii.
“From the original video footage you’d think that they were excited to get into the festival despite how dire most of the lineup was,” claimed one witness. “But apparently most of them were actually just trying to get to Tescos to pick up some teabags, condoms and Buckfast.”
“They obviously took a wrong turn and ended up mistakenly breaking into the festival,” he added. “I mean, why else would you break in? Nobody could be that excited to overpay for booze while girls Snapchat photos of themselves standing next to Made In Chelsea cocaine repositories as MNEK plays his take on ‘music.’”
Reports claim that, upon breaking into the festival during the performance of British rapper Lethal Bizzle, most of the crowd decided to hang around and enjoy the festival by drinking watered down beer, setting stuff on fire and fingering each other.
“However, when they realised that David Guetta was scheduled to play at the festival, those that didn’t begin weeping immediately, became more angry and aggressive than an overweight, drunk UFC fan on a Saturday night in a British regional town,” he explained. “But, without a wristband to exit the festival they were trapped in a kind of neon-vomit hell, having to watch Avicii play Levels to buff morons.”
It was at that point, claim witnesses, that the marauding gang of gatecrashers, now affectionately dubbed “them freeloader cunts”, decided to break back out of the festival to avoid having to slit their own throats while David Guetta spewed self promotional ‘let me see those hands’ nonsense into the mic as Nicki Minaj stood centre stage and waved.
“They were like an increasingly agitated herd of hippos, milling around and working up the courage to charge the gate to freedom,” he concluded. “Eventually they were all encouraged to charge simultaneously at a gate where a group of security guards stood holding aloft red flags emblazoned with the Nando’s logo who then artfully ducked out of the way and letting them stampede through the open gate.”
“I caught a glimpse of their happy, tear-streaked faces as they clasped each other lovingly, safe in the knowledge that they would be saved from the grim, commercialised horror of having to watch David Guetta pretend to DJ.”
