A suspected case of ebola in the U.K. town of Brighton which has caused panic in the area has today been downgraded from the life-threatening disease to “just a really bad comedown”.
The apparent victim, a man in his 30s who – while never having visited any areas of the world that have been affected by the disease – is said to have been a massive Afrika Bambaataa fan who also had recently attended a “grimy, jungle rave” where it is suspected he may have contracted the ebola from some “hard African drums”.
“The person presented symptoms that were largely similar to the type of symptoms we’d expect in someone suffering from the early stages of ebola, sore throat, fever, sensitivity to light, a general feeling of hopelessness and weeping,” offered Dr. David Grimshaw from the Royal Brighton Hospital where the man, who has not yet been identified, was treated in isolation. “The patient checked himself into hospital on Monday morning saying ‘he was definitely dying’ and ‘had never felt so sick in his life’ so fearing the worst we isolated him until we could determine if it was ebola.”
Dr. Grimshaw claims that this is the fifteenth incident of clubbers mistakenly believing that they are dying of ebola that he has had to face since the news of the outbreak made headlines and blames it “on Brighton’s proximity to possible points of entry that ebola could take into the country” and because of the city’s vibrant gay clubbing scene “where come downs are a regular occurrence”.
“It wasn’t until we were able to get a blood sample from the patient that we found elevated amounts of MDMA, alcohol, ketamine and kebabs in his blood stream – which were all indicative of him having been on a mad session and not dying of the world’s current most scary disease.”
The man was kept in for observation until the comedown completely passed out of his system using a combination of comedy box sets, wine and wanking – all of which would be “largely ineffective against a disease as virulent as ebola but can easily knock a comedown right out”.
