First Time Festival Goer “Finds Himself” In Yurt – Misses Entire Festival
A first time festival goer who reportedly “found himself” in a yurt at Secret Solstice is believed to have missed the entire festival after his spiritual awakening.
Will Short, an eighteen-year-old floor mopper from Norfolk, England, was convinced by friends to attend Secret Solstice, with promises that it would be “proper mental” and “banter on an absolutely Michael Bay sunset level with the whole crew on fleek”.
However, Mr Short’s weekend took a strange twist after he fell in with a group of gap year biology students from County Durham on the transfer bus from the airport to the festival grounds, where he and his group were convinced to pitch tents next to the biology students’ Yurts on the promise of “really chill vibes”.
A friend of Mr Short’s, who preferred not to be named, told Wunderground just what went wrong, “Oh mate it was pure bullshit. We’d all had a few jars on the plane and were well game for a slaughterhouse journey. Beans had just vommed in the toilet and we were all Snapchatting it when these Antiques Roadshow twats start talking to us.”
“They had zero bants; the main one was called Oscar Thurston-Moorepatrick for fucks sake.”
“Soon as we arrived they suggested we put our tents by their Yurt and pop in for a cheeky can,” Mr Short’s associate continued, with the bottomless look in his eyes of a man who just watched a brother in arms die on the beaches of Normandy.
“And that was it for poor Will. He wonked about a bit. Started talking about how the human race seems somehow compelled to destroy the nature around it, regardless of the fact it also gave us life, and then went and bought a Native American head-dress.”
“He came back claiming he finally understood he was nothing more than a miniscule query in the answer of life that is experience, then spent the whole weekend in that fucking Yurt with those Yoghurt Weavers,” claimed Short’s friend, evidently struggling to fight back the tears.
“Only two weeks ago we were planning an all-inclusive to Zanté with crew t-shirts saying Clunge Hunters. Now he’s going backpacking or some shit.”
“He’s starting a microblog documenting the lack of connection between humanity and nature since the advance of technology and the cold advance of the parasitic corporate Western world or some gash. Says he can do it all from his iPhone.”