U.S. media organisations, like Fox News, are reportedly “frustrated” that their historically misleading reports on the dangers of drug and music crazes has failed to prevent Electronic Dance Music from occupying the mainstream of American music culture.
“It’s really a concern that we’ve allowed EDM culture to achieve such prominence in the psyche of young Americans,” claimed our confidential source, a prominent member of the U.S. right-wing media. “The mix of drugs and music culture hasn’t been so pervasive in America since the early 70s,” the source claimed. “Well, I’m sure there’s probably a culture of drugs around rap music and hip-hop but, being black, those people are less of a concern for us.”
The insider went on to describe how historically they could spread a campaign of unproven lies “to thwart mainstream acceptance of the use of recreational drugs as an alternative lifestyle choice. We’d typically put out bogus stories about the dangers of drug taking or we’d massively inflate minor incidents using words like ‘shocking, plague, scourge, insane.’ Other times we’d think of horrible things that humans are afraid of on a primal level and just exploit that.”
“I was actually the one who came up with the stories about guys who were high on LSD thinking they could fly jumping from buildings. My personal favourite though has to be the one where the guy apparently thinks he’s an orange and peels himself,” he laughed. “I was actually peeling off a prostitutes’s panties when I came up with that. They smelled vaguely like citrus,” he explained. “I’m just glad that the demographic we’re aiming these reports at are stupid and ignorant enough to believe these reports and then vote for the conservative politicians who exploit them.”
The source said that in the current batch of EDM horror stories there was an active attempt to find the most tragic cases of misadventure. “It’s like X-Factor or American Idol, if you’ve got a dead parent or have cancer then irrespective of your voice they’ll put you though. We do the same with news stories about drugs. We’ll test which stories people are the most appalled by and run them regardless of how invasive it is for the victim’s family or how wildly we exaggerate the medical facts.”
“Another tactic, and one that I personally derive a lot of pleasure from, is to try and find the most nubile and scantily clad imagery of teens raving at EDM shows that we can and use that to scare the hell out of the parents of teens,” he claimed. “It works especially well on the father’s, most of whom encounter girls portrayed in a similar way in their favourite pornography, and so are aware of the dangers.”
Some prominent members of the alcohol industry also weighed in on the EDM explosion with Glass Houses Cigarette and Alcohol Corporation erroneously insisting that ecstasy “causes millions of deaths a year by destroying the health of users over time or by impairing their motor functioning abilities leading to traffic accidents” and so should be attacked more forcefully by the government.
The insider concluded by saying that they intend to make a more concerted effort on the collective consciousness of American people by implanting anti-drug messages in mainstream films and television, which the insider believes “will get through to the thick-headed population and make them do what we want. Incidentally,” he concluded, “if any potential scriptwriters out there have stories that deal with drugs in a negative way, preferably without addressing any of the complicated issues surrounded them, then please send them to your local news outlet or media group.”
After going to print an episode of popular misogynistic propaganda, Two And A Half Men, was aired which involved Ashton Kutcher’s character sexually assaulting a young man on ecstasy. The episode was praised by parent’s groups for it’s daring portrayal of “what our worst fears tell us is happening at every single all night rave,” who also remarked that the presence of “shady looking black gentlemen” confirmed that the portrayal was accurate.
Excellent stuff man. Seriously brilliant article, poignant and funny.