British sound system manufacturers Funktion-One have announced that they are to fit all of their speakers with an anti-Richie Hawtin device in an attempt to assure that all speakers remain standing and secure during temporary moments of petulance from performers.
The decision was made following an incident at Time Warp United States where Hawtin was seen pushing a speaker into a female fan who was on the stage filming the DJ’s erratic performance, knocking her and the speaker to the ground in the process.
“Speakers are very expensive pieces of equipment,” claimed Funktion-One founder Tony Andrews. “They’re also quite heavy and dangerous in the wrong hands. Fortunately we have faith in most DJs to act like normal, rationally thinking members of society and not be dick heads with other people’s belongings but after last weekend’s events it’s clear that not everyone can be trusted.”
Andrews went on to explain that all newly manufactured sound systems will have the anti-Richie Hawtin device built in while also offering a free service on all existing sound systems which will see the company install the device on location.
“The public’s safety is our number one priority,” explained Mr. Andrews. “While we don’t condone people sticking camera phones in a DJ’s face, distracting them and causing them to make mistakes, even when the DJ’s not a DJ like Paris Hilton and when the person with the phone is Richie Hawtin, we also don’t condone violence and the last thing we want is for someone to be hurt because some douche bag, British-Canadian DJ throws his toys out of his buggy and attacks a fan in an Eric Cantona-esque hissy fit. So we’ve decided to take some precautionary measures to make sure that our speakers are never at the center of a controversy like the one at Time Warp.”
“We realise that most DJs use speakers in the conventional manner for things like listening to music or resting a beer on rather than for fighting girls and we really don’t want to punish them for the actions of one prima donna,” continued the Funktion-One boss. “So the anti-Richie Hawtin device is designed specifically to act as a deterrent to Richie Hawtin.”
“It operates on the same principle as an electric fence but with one major difference,” commented Andrews. “We’ll hook up a small two hundred volt battery to the surface of all speakers that will be in close proximity to the DJ booth so whenever a DJ touches the speaker he’ll get a small shock but the best part is every time it’s touched it will also break a circuit that’s connected to a smaller, built in speaker that will play insults aimed at a person’s hair every time it’s broken.”
“We’ve put hundreds of insults in the device, things like “hey Jedward called they want their hair back” and “how much gel did you use on that?” or “hope you kept the receipt for that haircut”, they won’t really effect other DJs but they’re sure to keep Richie Hawtin at a safe distance.
Funktion-One hope to have all systems fully Richie Hawtin proof by early 2016.
