George Michael Caught Not Wanking Or Doing Drugs In Nightclub Toilets
English singer-songwriter George Michael has sensationally been caught not wanking or doing drugs in the toilets of a well known London nightclub.
The shocking incident happened on Saturday night after Michael (51) had been celebrating a birthday with a group of friends.
Eye witness Peter Redmond gave his account of events, “It was really weird I walked into the toilets and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.”
“George Michael was just standing there having a piss at the urinal, he was even talking to people just like a normal bloke,” explained the clearly shook witness, “only you could tell he wasn’t a normal bloke because you could recognise him from the telly and he had that shiny, brushed bronze look that all the celebrities have.”
“He just finished his piss, zipped up his trousers, washed and dried his hands and gave the toilet attendant a two pound tip,” claimed Mr. Redmond. “There was no attempted drug taking or wanking and I can be sure of that because I was watching him closely and he definitely didn’t break the three shake rule, which turns a harmless dick shake into a wank. I couldn’t believe my eyes,” he continued.
“What’s the world coming to when you can’t even go into the toilets of your favourite nightclub and see a celebrity standing there blatantly not wanking or doing drugs?” asked a perturbed Mr. Redmond. “They’re taking liberties if you ask me, people don’t spend hundreds of pounds on albums and concert tickets only for people like him to be going around acting like a real bloke,” he angrily continued.
“He should be wanking and taking drugs in every toilet he goes into so that I can read about him in the tabloids and think to myself ‘well he may be a millionaire but at least I’m not a toilet wanking drug addict,” he added.
London’s Metropolitan Police have confirmed that they will not be investigating the incident claiming that “not waking or doing drugs in public toilets is not an offence. Even for a celebrity”.