Germans have today been declared the best clubbers in the world in a poll that takes place exclusively in their own brains.
Having a country that is widely considered a hotbed of musical talent, particularly centred around techno-capital, Berlin, has reportedly convinced the majority of German clubbers that they’re the best in the world.
“There’s three things we’re good at: football, techno and listing three specific qualities,” declared Berlin-based techno fan, Martin Muller who regards himself as a cross between a partier, sunglasses model and avante-garde breadmaker. “I’ve been standing around in dark clubs wearing leather chaps and a damp moustache since 2005 so I think I know a thing or two about clubbing.”
“We absolutely have the world’s best clubbers who enjoy stoically partying in grim techno-holes for days at a time,” he continued, before adding that if you don’t club until you’re essentially brain dead then “you’re doing it wrong”.
“I’ve been clubbing in the UK and, while they squeeze in four days of reckless clubbing abandon into one night, they don’t have the same stamina as us Germans,” he added. “Sure, clubbers from other countries have more fun, take more drugs and, instead of standing around in pretentious clumps of judgement, actually dance – but that’s not really what nightclubs are about.”
Martin claims he once saw a bunch of Scottish clubbers in Ibiza chewing their own faces off while fist-pumping and singing along and “looking like they were having too much of an amazing time”.
“Yeah, I know they’re called ‘parties’ but you’re not supposed to actually have a party in them,” he concluded. “Unless the party is some kind of Bacchanalian art project designed to challenge the preconceptions of the public sphere.”