A twenty one year old girl from London, England, who said ‘New Year New Me’ on 1 January 2016 has re-pledged the very same ambition for 2017 after remaining an annoying div.
Matilda Sexton, better known to her mates as ‘Tillie’ and to the boys as ‘Sex Dog’, is renowned for her irritating behaviour which includes being an opinionated dickhead on social media, taking selfies at every given opportunity, getting drunk on one glass of wine and falling victim to every hipster trend going.
“Yeah I said ‘New Year New Me’ – I saw it trending on Twitter so it seemed like a popular thing to say,” said Tillie. “Everybody knows the arrival of a new year means you have an opportunity to completely change the person you are without any questions being asked and, if it works, you can totally rub it into your friends’ faces by continuously reminding them how much better then them you are now.”
“Cut out the booze, lose weight, progress at work, get a new boyfriend – you can’t just do these things in August or September because you’ll look like an idiot. New year is the only time you can change your life hassle free – and more to the point it is the perfect time to, without fail, make sure you tell everyone your intentions.”
Known as a self-righteous narcissist who describes herself as a life coach, fitness model and photographer, we decided to ask a few people who know Tillie about the lifestyle changes she committed to making.
“She is brilliant to go on a night out with because she always gets the shots in and loves a bit of white stuff,” claimed best friend Ruby Brookes. “Did she change? Well she mentioned something about dry January but that went out of the window early doors as they had a special offer down Weatherspoons. Two bottles of rosé for £6. Can’t turn that down can you?”
Ex-boyfriend Ryan Hunt found it hilarious when we asked him about Tillie. “I went out with Sex Dog for a few weeks but got the hump with the half-naked selfies she constantly posted on Instagram. She’d always put silly captions like ‘just woke up’ or ‘looking rough today’ even though she had spent three hours doing her hair and make-up beforehand.”
“Has she changed? Well based on what I hear I would say no. Apparently she slept with my mate last week and half way through, took a quick photo whilst pulling a duckface.”
Work colleague Nick Smith told us, “She’s a fucking pain. She’s always talking about DJs like she’s a seasoned pro at raving, even though she only went to her first rave in February.”
“Has she changed? Yeah, in 2014 she was a vegan who loved drinking tea and stroking cats. Last year she was all about house music and squatting. I am absolutely fucking dreading what this moron is going to be like in 2017. Certain things have changed but she remains a cunt of the highest order.”
Tillie went on to say, “OK so 2016 didn’t go according to plan but it wasn’t my fault. It was a bad year for me.”
“Zayn left 1D which made me put weight on. I didn’t make it to Ibiza which would have been my biggest opportunity to show the world how great I am. I was going to post things on Snapchat and Instagram about how much I love Bora Bora, Jet and Space – as well as how quirky and unique I am by wearing a bindi on my head, a ket spoon around my neck and having the ability to shuffle . I swear 2017 will be better. This is it now, I am going to change. I am going to save loads of money and then do a full season in Ibiza. 2017 will be the year of Matilda. New Year New Me.”
