Simon Powell, the world’s greatest stater of the obvious, has shocked no one with the unsurprising announcement that this year’s Glastonbury festival is going to be brilliant.
The announcement was made during a night out, when Powell met with friend to make plans for their annual pilgrimage to the world famous festival, which takes place in Somerset, England, later this week.
Friends of Mr. Powell’s were said to be totally unmoved by the statement, claiming that they know it is going to bebrilliant because they have “been going for the last twenty fucking years”.
Powell continued to be uninspiring by saying, “I hope it doesn’t rain this year, festivals are always much better when it doesn’t rain because rain always leads to mud and mud gets your trainers muddy.” He then proceeded to bore everyone by saying that “he’ll probably try and get a little bit of sleep every night” while at the festival because “you’d be totally wrecked if you didn’t”.
Paula Dawson, a friend of Mr. Powell, spoke about his announcement, “Simon’s a lovely bloke but he just can’t help stating the flipping obvious all the time. It’s really boring and it makes him see a little bit soft in the head.”
“We were sitting out in the sun the other day and he was in own little world and he just blurted out ‘the sky is so blue’,” explained Miss Dawson. “I mean everyone knows the sky is blue, it’s like he doesn’t have an opinion of his own and he just copies what everyone else says, a bit like Boris Johnson, only not as funny,” she added.
Mr. Powell is said to have continued in his trend of stating the obvious by claiming that he didn’t think England would win the world cup, smokes are always nicer when your drinking, and that if the electronic music industry was a pair of pants then Steve Aoki would be a shitty skid mark.
