Gok Wan’s upcoming DJ set has been labeled as the first sign of the apocalypse by senior officials of all of the world’s major religions.
Religious superpowers called an emergency summit in Alton Towers yesterday to discuss the dangers of the celebrity fashion consultant going on the road as a DJ.
“It’s a very worrying time for everyone,” claimed the Dalai Lama moments after riding Oblivion for the third time. “All religious manuscripts are open to interpretation and we don’t really believe in the fire and brimstone, plagues and giant earthquakes that our predecessors taught about. Nowadays, we believe the first sign of the apocalypse will be a much more subtle event and we’re ninety nine percent certain that a Gok Wan DJ tour is that sign.”
According to Pope Francis, he was aware of the dangers posed by Wan ever since he started DJing earlier this year.
“I, like Spiderman, have Spidey senses, there’s actually three people who have them in the world, Spiderman, me and Ross Kemp, as soon as Gok Wan started DJing my Spidey sense started tingling and I knew that this was the beginning of the end,” explained his Holiness earlier. “And it’s been tingling on overdrive since he announced his tour, this is going to release a cataclysmic amount of evil.”
“Normally in cases like this the church would call for calm,” continued Francis, “but it’s already too late for that. My advice is panic, get in the street and start looting, rape, pillage, murder, burn cities to the ground. The end is nigh people and it’s all Gok Wan’s fault.”
Gok Wan has yet to comment on the claims of the religious orders, although, it is believed that he has been secretly working with the Antichrist, a.k.a. Vanessa Feltz, for some time now.
