Police the world over are reportedly still confident that the systematic arrest of teenagers for minuscule amounts of cannabis will cripple the international drug trade “any day now”.
The report stems from the news that an international drug kingpin was left personally devastated by the news that a random 17 year old who he has never met on the other side of the world has been locked up for 6 months for possession of marijuana – an event which the police believe will finally be stringent enough to bring about the end of the narcotic trade.
Describing the sentencing of the teen as an “attack to the core of his soul”, the drug kingpin announced that he’d immediately change the error of his ways owing to the length and severity of the sentence, which he took as an obvious statement that the the police were closing in on him and his business on the other side of the world in South America.
“The buzzards are circling, that arrest really made that plain to me, all I can do now is get out of the drug manufacture and shipping business and hope that I can live peacefully,” insisted Jorge Robben, who pleads with police to stop their callous tactics of arresting small time teenagers because the drug barons “really hate that” and it “makes a huge dent in their business”.
“This arrest has really hit home to me that this drug trade is evil and I need to get myself good with God before it’s too late,” added Jorge.
He says he plans to hand himself into the authorities after the reports of the young first time offender were relayed to him at his plush mansion replete with pool, tennis court, personal tiger and machine gun collection.
“All the ill gotten proceeds are like ashes in my mouth, the international war on drugs has really got me this time,” he wept. “If only I had never gotten into the drug trade in the first place then that child who I’ve never met and who means nothing to me whatsoever might still be free today.”
A police spokesperson said that they were delighted with Jorge’s abdication and knew it was only a matter of time before enough small time street arrests started to take down the real criminals.
“All the people who said our policies of focusing on small time arrests instead of focusing on hardcore traffickers was a waste of time are eating humble pie now,” laughed the spokesperson. “It only took a mere 40 years too.”
Jorge who has killed at least fifteen people in cold blood, some of whom include family members and children, says that when news reached him of the arrest of 17 year old Matthew Breen for cannabis possession in London he “cried for about a week” before making the realisation that what he was doing was wrong and illegal and that he should probably stop before any more random teenagers are arrested for drug possession.
“You get into this drug business accepting the consequences that you might have to kill or be killed or that the police will come after you, but never in a million years did I think the police would be so callous as to hit me right where it hurts by arresting and ruining the prospects of some random teenager on the other side of the world. How could they be so hurtful?” he cried, becoming emotional once again.
“I can live with feeding rivals to lions and killing police, but when you jeopardise a young man’s college education and future job prospects by charging him for having enough for a few spliffs, then you hit me and all other drug barons where it hurts.”
Jorge concluded our interview indicating that news of the Matthew’s arrest was likely to end the international trafficking of drugs as other drug kingpins like himself were likely to be equally devastated by the tragic news of his arrest and immediately close up shop.
the kingpin is lieing, who would give up a billion dollar operation that sees hundreds of people locked up or killed to keep the operation running, just because this kid gets locked up for 6 months. people get killd in the drug trade, weather its baby all the way to the elderly, one teen going to jail will do nothing. this whole artical must be fake. he was jokeing, people get arested all the time, thees king pins dont feel anything for it at all. its like everyone that intervued the king pin whom lies and cheets and kills and more, thort everything he said was true, its like if i were to tell you a read pen is blue you would beleve it?
wtf is wrong with you
it is true, arresting random people dose not work,you need to arrest the people growing and makeing the drugs. you can go on beleveing this joke, but it is just a joke artical. king pins are king pins beacuse of all the people they killd, put in jail and steped on to get were they are. one more kid in jail wont do anything, and the fact the kingpin lied like this and everyone believes the lie is just astounding.
either you are a master at trolling with a straight face, so to speak
or you are really stupid
this is a satirical article
please stop
satirical article? they should of stated that, i dont get satiricasim when its parented on screen. or in the real world for that matter, i am happy it IS just a joke. 😛
for some reason a lot of people make that mistake on this site.
but yes, all of them are satirical. after appreciating this you may enjoy this site more, the headlines alone are hilarious. 😛
and i am not stupid, i can explain my case with one reference, Sheldon.
Lol this comment is epic
I wrote better dialogue before I learned to read.