A groundbreaking new invention has been unveiled which purportedly allows DJs to control their set using nothing more than a mixer and some decks.
The invention, known as hands, was believed to have been invented some millions of years ago by Charles Darwin but has only been released to the public this week.
“Before hands came along everyone controlled their sets by fistbumping or using brain implants that allow the DJ to think-mix or by using under dance floor sensors that adjust the track depending on the amount of dancing taking place,” explained hands owner and DJing hero Dave Clarke.
“There’s a rich history in electronic music of using vaguely stupid schemes to mix instead of actually just mixing. I mean, to see the truthfulness of that all you have to do is cast a glance at Steve Aoki.”
“Sure I’ve used my hands before, this arse isn’t going to scratch itself, and of course wanking is a big aspect of my life but never have I thought to use hands for manipulating a set of controls designed for that purpose before,” continued Dave, who has been DJing using his feet since 1997. “But once I used the hands on the mixer it all made sense.”
Not all DJs have been so praiseworthy of actually using your hands for mixing instead of a sensor strapped to your arm that uses fist pumping to control the mix. “It’s so simple and easy to use, it’s a cool gimmick but I don’t know if I see it lasting,” claimed Armin Van Buuren. “DJs have a tradition of using pointless arsebaggery to control their sets that I don’t realistically see this whole actually using your hands thing catching on.”
“For me, it’ll always come second to using a pointless piece of technology to control the mix and will inevitably take the focus away from the DJ and make the whole exercise about just listening to the music rather than watching the DJ to see when he may or may not do a fist pump,” continued Van Buuren. “That’s what proper DJing is about.”
Other DJs have spoken out against the invention claiming that it smears the essence of DJing and reduces it to nothing more “than a person pushing some buttons and fiddling with some levels to create a seamless musical journey for the enjoyment of an audience”.
“Gone are those halcyon days when DJs were able to own the stage with their presence, their lightshow, their unnecessary prancing and hand gestures,” concluded Van Buuren. “Now it’s just going to be some guy or girl hunched over a mixer, using their hands to manipulate records and make people dance with nothing more than the excellent music he or she is playing. It’s sick.”