An independent and unbiased report by The Sun can today sensationally reveal that a group of young Brexit voters “literally can’t even” when asked to explain their excitement ahead of plans to spend the summer season working in Ibiza, selling tickets to shows with top-name US DJs, pretending they know where to get the best gear and attempting to get sucked off by non-EU sex workers for under a fiver.
We spoke to part-time Bedroom DJ and recent Job Centre applicant Eugene Kip of West Farage, Herts, about his plans for the long summer ahead and his thoughts on the upcoming EU referendum.
“Oh mate it’s going to be fucking ledge! It’s all worked out perfectly. My uncle, who works in construction, has been living out in Spain since 1971 and said me and the boys – Hodge, Smiley, Smith and Pinchin – can use his holiday home. Soon as we’ve got ourselves out of this bullshit foreinger’s club it’s going to be nothing but boshing Es and necking ice-cold San Miguel,” Enthused the young, aspiring DJ whilst inking a wonky SAS logo on his forearm with a biro and a hairpin.
“We’ve got this mate who reckons we can make over £200 quid a day selling tickets to shit club nights, where everyone is so fucked they basically just think they’re at DC10, so with that and the money Dad gave me we’re well set!” Mr Kip went on slightly red faced as he realised SAS didn’t have an “E” in it.
“It’s a bit of a shame our boy Fazir can’t make it but Uncle Powell says there’s simply not space for him, especially if he’s not paying any board. Now I’m not being racist but if you’re not going to pay your way you can’t expect a free ride innit? Besides I was always seeing him walking about with a towel on his head after swimming which is pretty fucking weird.”
“Anyway can’t have matey walking about dressed like a bad guy from Team America when there’s clunge about. Last time we had girls over we set fire to his beard and threw a burning tyre around his neck. It was absolute top banter!”
When asked about whether or not the planned excursion might interfere with the group’s voting in the hotly debated EU Referendum on June 23, Mr Kip had this to say: “Oh nah it’s gonna be sweet mate, we’ve all sent our votes off via post already so that’s pretty much sorted. We’ll be out of that hippy convention in no time! We just need to pop down Sports Direct and buy some St George’s flags and #SaveThePint banners to hang off our balcony when we get there and it’s going to be the perfect summer, without any of those foreign fuckers sponging off our system!”
