A young Dublin man has been forced to deal with accusations of homosexuality after being labelled “gay” by his peers because he chose to stay in with his girlfriend on Friday night rather than go drinking with his friends.
“It’s been a long week, I’m tired and I just want to have a quiet night in with my girlfriend, Amy,” claimed 24 year old mechanic James Mahoney. “I fail to see how that makes me gay but that’s what a few of the lads have been saying because I don’t want to go out with them. It makes no sense whatsoever but they just don’t listen.”
James claims that after meeting his friends for a quick drink after work he declined the invitation to “get shitfaced” instead opting to spend the night with Amy in front of the television. “I just told the lads instead of going out I fancied going home and cuddling up on the couch with the missus,” continued James. “Within seconds they were guffawing and spluttering their drinks saying I was ‘going soft’ and ‘being a bender.’ In the end I just finished my drink and left. They were still jeering and laughing as I left the pub.”
“I’m just trying to ignore it and look forward to a nice night in with Amy. I might light the fire or we’ll get under the blanket, who knows. I’m open to both,” explained James. “Amy downloaded Bridesmaids which I hear is supposed to be alright for a chick flick so we’ll probably watch that and I’ll make some risotto. It’ll be lovely.”
In spite of James protestations that deciding to stay in with his girlfriend instead of going out does not make him gay, his friends are still unconvinced. “He’s such a queer,” attested James’s best friend, Michael, a self confessed lady’s man. “Staying in with his bird on a Friday night instead of being out drinking and watching football with his bros. Gayest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“He’s a pussy-whipped faggot,” continued Michael. “I know that sentence is oxymoronic and inherently contradictory, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”
“I can see him now, he’s probably going to cook her a special meal, open a bottle of Pinot Grigio and watch some rom-coms,” continued Michael. “He could be out having fun with a bunch of lads but instead he’ll probably go to bed early and have passionate sex. If that’s not the definition of being gay then I don’t know what is.”
