A young man on a first date has revealed that he is waiting for the right moment to regale his date with a tragic story from his past in the hope that the girl will see him as sensitive and find him more attractive.
“I read in a magazine somewhere that women like sensitive guys,” explained cocky stockbroker, Alex Chambers. “With arms like mine it’s obvious I’m not a Romantic poet but apparently sensitivity suggests a vulnerability and openness in a guy that women want to fuck.”
Alex claimed that usually he’ll hint at depths of feeling just beneath the surface before subtly mentioning a difficult subject then insisting that he “doesn’t want to talk about it,” but then talking about it at length anyway.
“She’ll think that I’m comfortable enough with her to share this horrible secret,” he continued. “If she reaches across the table and clasps my hand then that’s the signal that my dick’s gonna get wet later that night.”
The only difficult thing for him, Alex explains, is that he has never really suffered any traumatic experiences in his comfortable, middle-class life and is forced to “just make shit up.”
Alex admits to having had some mishaps in the past when attempting to devise a tragic enough story. “One time I tearfully made up a story to a girl about how I felt scared because I accidentally choked my pet hamster to death but she just scoffed in my face, told me to grow up and made an excuse to leave some minutes later.”
“After that I knew I just had to go straight for the big guns,” continued Alex. “So now I just tell them that my brother died when in fact I don’t even have a brother. And not in the sense that I don’t have a brother because he’s dead but that he never even existed.”
“Thankfully, I’m never with these women long enough so that they find that out,” he jokingly added while air-fiving himself.
“But it really is a subtle art,” instructed Alex. “You can’t just go barrelling in and say ‘Hi, I’m Alex. Years ago my Dad had his penis mauled by an Alsation and as a result could no longer function as a man which left him with feelings of inadequacy and forced me to assume the dominant male role in our household which was tough on me, but ultimately has made me stronger….would you like a glass of wine?'”
“Hopefully, after hearing whatever bullshit story I make up, the girl will think I’m a sensitive guy who’s also strong enough to discuss difficult things openly like I have actual feelings,” concluded Alex. “When, if anything, I find it difficult to empathise with other human beings.”
does a shag count when they only fuck you out of pity ? .. i think not ..