A music fan and vinyl fanatic has been described as “a special kind of dickhead” who is unable to stop his stupid mouth talking about the fact that he has begun pressing his own vinyl records.
Describing the practice as “the purest expression of music fandom” and drawing comparisons between himself and the people who produce their own vegetables Alex Campbell has been printing his own vinyl from FLAC files since reading how to do it in white person’s music manual Pitchfork.com.
“I was always into making mixtapes off the radio when I was a kid in the 90s,” explained Alex with the sage assurance of a person who enjoys engaging in things considered willfully obscure and dickhead-y. “So when I heard about at-home vinyl pressers I knew I’d be able to recreate the excitement I felt when taping music from the radio as a kid, while also satisfying my urge to talk at length about how coolly ahead of the curve I am.”
Doctors however are concerned that Alex may do irrevocable damage to his voice box and the patience of those close to him if he continues to engage in unprompted digressions about vinyl pressing to every human he encounters.
“The larynx isn’t designed to be constantly in use,” claimed a medical expert who has treated dickheads who are addicted to talking about how great they are before; counting Katie Hopkins, Christian Bale and Kanye West as clients. “If he doesn’t get over himself soon then the condition typically develops to the point where he will begin to engage in bouts of untethered egotistic rantings and behaviour like kissing your own reflection, replacing positive verbs with your own name and, of course, self-fellatio.”
“Which, ironically, is quite good for the larynx,” he added.
So far Alex has estimated that he has transferred 120 hours of music from digital to vinyl using the printer but friends say that the amount of time he has spent talking about printing vinyl with the air of a self-obsessed dickhead far exceeds 120 hours.
“Well, when a person mistakenly assumes that they’re some kind of avante-garde trendsetter and decides to spend every waking moment talking about it then you’re going to have to put up with a lot of annoying chatter,” claimed one friend of Alex’s. “I’d rather listen to the squelchy thud of a crying baby falling head first down some concrete steps for the rest of recorded time than put up with another conversation on the merits of home vinyl pressing.”
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