Guy Who Tries To Be Cool By Only Liking Techno Secretly Relieved When Someone Plays House

A guy who prides himself on being an expert on all things techno, and builds his entire personality around how cool he is for being into the genre, is secretly relieved whenever someone puts on house.

“For some reason, it’s cooler to like techno, it’s the more laddish and aggressive declaration of dance music fandom,” declared militant techno fan, David Foyer. “When you’re into techno there’s no risk of anyone thinking you like soft shit like disco or house and therefore nobody will doubt your insecure masculinity.”

Claiming that it’s a constant struggle pretending to like every single Blawan track and to always be listening to techno lest someone thinks you’re not at the cutting edge of bangers, David says he is actually a bit sick of techno and secretly relieved when someone wants to listen to something else.

“Sure I’ll make a big fuss and say something like ‘don’t put on this gay shit’, but I do quite like the softer, melody driven Innervisions type stuff, although I’d never admit that to my mates,” he added, describing himself as a closet house fan. “I’m just tired now and wanna listen to music without it being invested in some kind of cool statement.”

“It’s a constant struggle to be listening to techno all the time, I even listen to it in the shower in case my Mum tells the lads but secretly I’m singing Lionel Ritchie in my head, just for a treat,” he explained. “I’ve proper started to hate techno, the constant competition to be the ‘most techno’ has turned me completely off it, but I’ve invested so much of my personality into being into the hardest shit that if I change now people will notice.”

David claims that he and his mates regularly try to out-techno each other by attempting to find the sickest, most banging, old school techno tunes they can – the winner of which basks in the glory of being the most knowledgeable about techno for that day.

“The only thing I can do to escape this techno prison is to subtly start introducing slightly less banging tunes, throw a vocal hook in here a melody in there, eventually, after about 6 months of drip feeding that stuff I can come out as a full blown house fan,” he concluded. “Until then though do you wanna listen to this Karenn Boiler Room for the 5,860th time?”