The truth about Dutch EDM Superstar Hardwell’s foul mouthed DJ Mag rant has today been revealed after his owners, Ultra Music, admitted it was their fault because they “fed him after midnight”.
Videos of the former number one DJ slating the DJ Mag Top 100 at an event in Amsterdam surfaced on social media late last week, with many commentators claiming that the rant was “extremely out of character” for the DJ.
According to Billy Peltzer, a spokesperson for Ultra Music, Hardwell is actually the world’s first ever Mogwai DJ, not to be confused with the Scottish post-rock band Mogwai, who are far more musically credible than their Dutch namesake.
“Not a lot of people know this, but Hardwell is actually a Mogwai who was given to Ultra Music by our grandfather, Tiësto, as a Christmas present back in the 80s,” explained Peltzer. “We were told not to expose him to bright lights, give him water or feed him after midnight, so we put him in the backstage area of a nightclub where there are no lights, everyone drinks champagne and the only thing people eat are pills, it seemed like the perfect place for him.”
“Eventually, after spending so much time around DJs, Hardwell became a pretty average DJ himself, and after about twenty four years of no bright lights, no water and no food after midnight he managed to become the DJ Mag number one DJ,” continued Peltzer. “Unfortunately, at three a.m. on Friday morning, Hardwell got into DJ Sneak’s sandwich box at an ADE event and ate an entire picnic’s worth of sandwiches.”
“That’s why he said what he did about DJ Mag,” claimed Peltzer. “It’s probably the end of his DJ career because he’s a full blown Gremlin now, all he’s been doing since is chewing cables in sound booths and pissing in Martin Garrix’s coffee cup, we’ll probably put him down as soon as as we catch him.”
Unconfirmed reports suggest that Ultra Music are looking for a new label pet and could replace Hardwell with The Chainsmokers, who are believed to be a pair of giant gerbil-like rodents.
