Headphones designed by a London electronics company, Blindsound, have claimed to have perfected a brand of headphones which render the wearer invisible on public transport.
“For years people have wanted to trudge through the soul draining rigmarole of the daily commute by not making any contact whatsoever with the other grey eyed work drones,” claimed Blindsound spokesperson Sam Walsh. “They’ve largely been able to achieve this through staring endlessly at phones, using headphones to ignore people or, rarest of all, reading a fucking book.”
“And while these activities make the person invisible by using the logic of the toddler, ‘I can’t see you so you can’t see me,'” he added. “They actually don’t make you any less likely to have to be badgered by the sheer throng of humanity one typically finds on the morning commute.”
“Those activites, while partially successful,” added Sam, “never really eliminated the lingering feeling that at any moment some scaldy flea bitten tramp is going disturb you out of your grim hungover reverie by farting in your face while weeping and singing Auld Lang Syne thus forcing you to actually deal with the world.”
According to Sam, by using the new PhrodoPhones, commuters will be immediately be rendered invisible to other commuters and never have to suffer the world and it’s problems, instead existing “in a nice little sedated cocoon for the hour or so it takes for you to then seclude yourself in your cubicle or office, grimly counting the seconds until lunch”.
“You’ll never have to give up your seat to some decrepit old fuck again or awkwardly help someone who’s hurt themselves,” he added before claiming that prototypes have been released to a select group for testing and that the finished product should be in the shops later this year.
“It’s amazing, some pisshead was asking me for a cigarette the other day and I knew that this was the first in a series of questions that would end with me having a sovereign ring imprinted on my face,” claimed one prototype user. “Thankfully I was able to put in the headphones and instantly disappear.”
“Plus I got to listen to some weird tunes on the Damien Lazarus Lazpod without catching the eye of another commuter secretly wondering if they could somehow hear what I was listening to and think that I was a pretentious, 6Music listening super spaz,” he added. “But when I took out the headphones to check how much sound loss there was I was pleased to find very little, and while people gave me strange looks for seeming to leap into existence out of nothing, I was able to pop the headphones back in and avoid any explanation.”
