In response to speculation in the religious community regarding the nature of heaven, God has today revealed that it’s “basically just like an after party”.
God made the announcement directly into the ecstasy-laden brain of 24-year-old theology student Mark Christoper over the weekend in the hopes of showing the world how much he has mellowed following his wild early career exploits which saw him bitchily force a man to murder his own son to prove he loved Him, let his own son – who was also himself – be crucified, and flooded the entire planet killing almost everyone alive except for a few people in a giant boat.
“I’ve always been deeply religious, both about religion and music,” offered a smiling Mark who says that he often views his drug experimentation as a chance to commune with a higher power and “get totally twatted for a few hours” because he’s 24-years-old, a student and nothing he does right now matters.
“Music, religion and drugs are all such spiritual, esoteric parts of the human experience and aren’t mutually exclusive,” continued Mark who has now decided to become a kind of shamanic drug priest “like Bez or Mr. C” and spread the message that death is nothing to be afraid of because “heaven is an after party”.
The move by God to confirm the nature of heaven has been embraced by the Church who are using the revelation to show “how down with the kids” they are while also continuing to stoke the long standing rumours that He may also be a DJ.
“God communicated to me while high that heaven is basically the best after party ever and that it never ends, you don’t get tired, run out of drugs, see your girlfriend kissing other dudes or hear crap tunes,” concluded Mark. “There’s no confirmed lineup as of yet but God has been dropping hints on his HaloBook – the heavenly equivalent of Facebook – all week that it’ll be Frankie Knuckles and Larry Levan playing a wing-to-wing infinity set. I can’t wait!”
