A heavy metal fan in Northampton, England, has reportedly bought two tons of steel from a Chinese steel works in, what is being described as, the biggest thing to happen to heavy metal since the 80s.
Harvey Spencer, an unemployed forty six year old who spends most of his time giving out about the “system”, invested in the steel after receiving a lump sum in an insurance pay off.
“If there’s two things in this world that I know, they’re how to waste money and heavy metal,” explained Mr Spencer, who once spent over £500 on “fresh cut grass” only to discover it was garden waste and not weed. “That’s why I’ve decided to invest all of my money in steel, I’m bringing my two passions together and it’s the biggest investment in heavy metal since Iron Maiden bought their first ever hair curler in 1983.”
“I’m really hoping that it’s going to breath new life back into the genre,” continued Spencer, who lists feeling angsty, harbouring hatred for the world and playing Pokémon Go as his three favourite pastimes. “It really needs it too, there hasn’t been anything memorable in the heavy metal scene since the early 90s, that’s why I invested my money in steel rather than starting a band, which is actually something I’ve been talking about doing since I was sixteen, I just don’t think the world gets me enough to understand my music just yet.”
“At least this way, if my investment doesn’t have any impact on the world of music, I’ll still be in possession of quite a bit of quality Chinese steel,” claimed Spencer, known locally as a “long haired freak”. “It can be used to build a lot of things; doomsday devices, bomb shelters for when the world burns, steel guitar strings, some sort of torture mechanism or I could just sell it on and make a tidy profit, the world’s my oyster mate.”
According to friends of Mr Spencer, at the time of going to print, the heavy metal fan’s two tons of steel have been sitting out his back garden going rusty for the last three weeks, after the forty six year old heard about worker conditions in Chinese steel mills and refused to use it on moral grounds.
