A heroic young pigeon has today been honoured for its contribution to humanity after it took a dump directly into the open mouth of EDM star Calvin Harris from 30 metres in the air.
Reports claim that during a recent Calvin Harris show in New York the DJ had his mouth and cheek “covered in the streaky white, green and black rectal juice of a brave pigeon” just as an open mouthed Calvin was rudely berating an audience member.
The special award is given to animals who have done something extraordinary for the betterment of the human race with the last winners being a dog who raps the alphabet through barking and a pig over whom David Guetta once tripped.
“It’s with great privilege that I present this award to Pidge the pigeon,” intoned celebrity presenter and bespectacled bird watching enthusiast and close personal friend of Alan Partridge, Bill Oddie. “He selflessly and courageously did something that everyone of us gathered here could only dream of doing…he shat into the open mouth of Calvin Harris.”
“He’s an inspiration to us all,” continued Mr. Oddie as he placed a tiny gold medal about the head of the pigeon before letting it eat seeds from his open hand to the applause of all those gathered. “I don’t think there’s anyone more deserving of having their mouth shat into than Mr. Harris, and when I say that I include war criminals, racists and Piers Morgan.”
Witnesses claim that the pigeon “came out of the clear blue sky” during an open air EDM show and “took deliberate aim” at Calvin Harris before letting fly with a barrage of pigeon dirt which landed squarely on Calvin’s face “like an avian cumshot”.
According to reports Mr. Harris, who was seen to accidentally swallow the pigeon excrement not realising what it was before fleeing the stage in tears while gagging to make himself throw up, will not play any more outdoor shows unless all pigeons in the surrounding area have been kicked to death or properly potty trained.
