A young hipster has accidentally scalped himself after the tail from his regrettable man-bun haircut became caught in a rotating ceiling fan – causing his scalp to be ripped clean off.
Witnesses claim that 29-year-old Malcolm Nolan, who also has a wrist tattoo and sews extra buttons into the collar of his shirts so that they can be extra tight on the neck, was at a party emulating some of his favourite deep house DJs “like Martin Garrix, Disclosure and Berghain” by standing on a table while DJing when a stray hair from his man bun became lodged in a nearby ceiling fan.
“One minute he was playing some Beatport Top 10s on Traktor, much to the enjoyment of everyone, when he decided to jump onto the table and get the crowd going, like real DJs who rely on arsehole tactics for praise,” explained a witness. “I think he also had a new pair of yellow Adidas that he wanted to show off cause they had an extra long tongue that went all the way up to knee.”
“One second he’s all ‘look at me, playing Ten Walls like everyone else’ and the next he’s screaming for his life as he’s being spun around the room by the hair, screaming in both pain and at the damage being done to his on-point haircut,” added the witness. “After about ten seconds of this there was a god awful tearing sound and he fell to the floor in a crumpled heap of blood, hair and bad fashion.”
Quick thinking friends of Malcolm’s put the hunk of scalp on ice but doctors believe there is little chance that it would be able to be surgically grafted back onto Malcolm’s head, however some hipsters present have already made plans to reappropriate it for use as a tea cosy or ironic shaving brush.
Doctors claim that they are unable to reattach his scalp because they are morally obligated not to facilitate dickheads being silly, forcing Malcolm to go through the rest of his life with a disgustingly mishapen head “something he was doing anyway”.
“Eventually horribly disfigured bald men will be a niche fashion statement, I’ll bide my time,” he added. “I was getting a bit tired of the manbun anyway, it wasn’t quite on-point enough for me, I’ll trawl through teenagers Instagrams and see what the next stupid fashion thing will be and then just do that.”
