The political world was rocked earlier today when interplanetary symbol of hate and above average table-tennis player Adolf Hitler, a man once described by Kim Jong-Il as “a bit of an egotist twat”, briefly rose from the dead to publicly distance himself from rapey, human Dulux colour swatch Donald Trump’s farcical presidential campaign.
A burning effigy of Hitler, a man who was once voted “worse than Star Wars Episode I” in a GQ men’s magazine survey, appeared briefly outside a small church in Walberswick to denounce the (indescribably) populist Republican controversy magnate.
Father Michael Of St Peters, who was emptying his mucky font at the time, witnessed the incident, “It was horrifying. I heard an an almighty thunderclap like something out of an early 2000s Usher song and suddenly, stood before me was evil incarnate!” Father Michael exclaimed.
“There is nothing more ungodly than a single man who creates ridiculously stringent and judgmental systems of rules and beliefs and then coerces them onto an unwitting or easily led society.”
“He turned to me, fixed me with those endlessly dark, obsidian eyes and said ‘fuck that Trump pagan. At least my godawful comb-over was made with my own hair!’ and then vanished once more, into the fiery pits of whatever unbearable hell he was banished to. I think God once told me that he’s made him endlessly live out an episode of Strictly Come Dancing where he’s partnered with Christopher Biggins,” continued Father Michael, as he wiped, what looked like, salty tears from his robes.
“I’ve got to be honest, when I first saw Hitler appear I was both terrified and enraged. So much so I almost dropped my choirboy, but when I realised he was here to take action against a lecherous fiend and potential child molester I was all for it. Maybe that Adolf fella ain’t so bad after all.”