A young man is believed to be dead after a freak wanking incident saw him wreak havoc on his unsheathed penis.
Reports claim that the young man, who had gone upwards of five days without wanking due to attending a festival, caught a glimpse of himself hanging dong through the broken button on his boxers and immediately lost control and began vigorously handling the dick off himself.
“It was shocking to see…you know deep down that man is a wild, sexual creature and should be treated with respect and caution, but I’ve never, ever seen one just turn like that,” described witness to the freak mega-wank, Alison Chambers. “One minute he was getting undressed the next minute he was giving himself a rather nasty friction burn.”
“Within about a minute things got worse til eventually his bloody penis came off in his hand,” added a weeping Alison who says she was powerless to prevent the victim from his frothy cocked frenzy.
Alison claims that the victim, her 26 year old boyfriend James Nugent, wasn’t an especially big wanker but may have been suffering from a freak case of blue balls leading him to lose all bodily control in fit of post-session hungover ‘super wanking’ after catching a glimpse of his helmet through the opening created by a broken button in his boxers.
“They weren’t even especially sexy boxers, they were loose fitting and plaid,” wept Alison. “Plus, he’d been wearing them for three days. I think there were piss stains in the gusset.”
Police and doctors have warned men everywhere to be on the lookout for the especially violent wanks that can occur after a man hasn’t been able to masturbate for several days at a time.
“We recommend that men empty the pipes every day or so to avoid becoming rabid and chewing their own pungently virile penises off,” warned police. “The safest thing to do, and something we’re recommending, is that men just basically wank continuously to prevent any kind of dangerous jip, or jism, build up.”
Doctors who treated James say that when they recovered his penis it had bite marks all around the tip matching James dental profile which they believe happened in the brief moments before James bled out, “he must have tried to eat it in a rage after he realised he’d pulled it off. It’s very sad but indicative of the animality of this condition.”
“We’re warning everyone to wank as much as possible and if you are wearing boxers make sure that the buttons are functioning correctly, while also exercising extreme caution around mirrors, taking a piss or scratching,” added the doctor.
According to Alison her boyfriend “seemed to be enjoying pulling the absolute stomach of himself” claiming that he was panting softly and that “after the first hefty, soggy splurge” he became lucid for a moment and smiled before noticing his penis again and “going to absolute town on it”.
“I just wish I had of given him a quick wank in the tent,” wept Alison. “But now it’s too late. People need to ensure they muck man butter as often as they can lest they get pent up and wank themselves to death or worse yet, become priests.”
