In the past, DJs were extremely talented people who were at the very top of their game. They had world wide recognition, yet the majority of them were still likely to be able to walk down any street, in any city of the world without being recognised. Nowadays there’s a new breed of celebrity DJs, the EDM superstars. These guys are a lot less talented but yet they are flocked by screaming mobs and paparazzi everywhere they go. So if it’s not the raw talent that has got them where they are, what is it? Here’s Wunderground’s How To….Become An EDM Superstar…
First off, there is one sure-fire way to get you straight to the top of the EDM industry or any other industry for that matter. It’s the age old art of sucking dick. For centuries dicks have been sucked to rise above the crowd. It’s like a game of Snakes and Ladders, only the ladders are replaced by erect penises. I bet there isn’t one DJ in the DJ Mag top ten who hasn’t, at one stage in their career, gone down on a label boss or promoter. Just look at Paris Hilton, can you imagine how many dicks she sucked to get a residency in Amnesia? Probably twice the amount she sucks on a normal day.
Next up you’ll need to get your stage performance ready, this will involve watching footage of real DJs mixing. Pretending you know what all the nobs on the mixer do is important if you want to make it in this industry. You should be able to pretend to mix in a believable manor, it’s like singers who can’t sing learning to mime. You’ll also need to be quite familiar with the tunes you intend playing. Knowing when to throw your arms in the air is probably the most important part of your set and bad timing can be catastrophic to the short lived fame of the EDM superstar.
Next up is the controversial pre-recorded set. Learning to mix is just way too time consuming in the whirlwind world of EDM superstardom. It could take years to get to a the level where you’re confident enough to get up in front of a crowd and mix tunes and you need that time to practice your stage show. Mixing is the least important part of being an EDM champion. Just hire a mercenary DJ to put an hour long set together for you and you’ll be fine. Change tracks every couple of months and no one will be any wiser.
Finally you’re going to have to ditch your name, real names just aren’t cool anymore. No one is going to pay money to see Jack Murphy, people want mysterious names like Avicii or Hardwell, they don’t have to make sense once they’re not boring. If you really want to push the bout out and be a trend setter just pick a random noun like shoe or lace or road, the list goes on forever, and before you know it, your very own noun will be appearing in lights above the main stage of some generic EDM festival.
Clapping. Always be good at clapping.
I had the misfortune to catch a Nicky Romero ‘show’ in LA recently, and he didn’t touch his headphones once before I walked out with earache after 40 minutes. I had never heard of him, and had free entry, so thought what was the worst that could happen?
He ran out from the back of the VI Pto the decks like a scene from Rocky, then proceeded to clap a lot on his own RUG that the club had put in for him with his name emblazoned across the centre. Totally surreal. Totally wank.