Are you a cripplingly insecure man in your late teens or twenties who is searching for an easy facade to hide your feelings of inadequacy? Help is at hand! Thanks to lad culture, Stella Artois and the films of Guy Ritchie it’s very easy for you to adopt a one-size-fits all grotesque amalgamation of ‘what a man is’ to tide you over until you grow up, cop on and form your own opinions. Until that, hopefully not far off, date here is a handy How To…Behave Like An Over Exaggerated Version Of A Man (For The Purposes Of Hiding Your Crisis Of Identity)….
First off you’re going to need to cut yourself off from any vaguely intellectual pursuits like reading poetry, watching documentaries or thinking for yourself. If you’re going to be a laddish lad then you’re going to need to put your physicality to the the forefront of your whole existence. This is best achieved by avoiding anything remotely intellectual – you don’t assert your masculinity by thinking, you do it by fighting and playing sports. Even if you don’t like sport you’re going to have to at least appear to like it so that you fit in. There are some simple catch-all phrases you can use when talking about football to feign knowledge – for example, when watching football if you see a tall guy control the ball well then it’s the perfect opportunity for you to showcase your knowledge of the game by stating that, “he has a good touch…for a big lad.” Anyone within hearing distance will now believe you to be a bloke-y bloke.
Another important aspect of bro culture – like attempting to look hard by walking with your chest puffed out or like trying to sound tough by affecting a more ‘street’/working class accent than you normally have – is being homophobic. Homophobia in the lad world is a result of the fragile homo-social nature of the entire lad culture. Lads, by the virtue of wanting to prove their manliness, think that they can’t afford to appear “gay” which they see as less than masculine. However, they’re also keenly aware of the homo-erotic nature of the whole guy world. This fraught homo-eroticism comes to the fore in numerous man on man situations like when showering together after playing sports, or wrestling naked, or wanking onto biscuits in an all boys school. Rather than admit that these are just natural, and some unnatural, explorations of human sexuality you’re going to need to vehemently deny any possibility of being gay – usually by making up stories about sexual conquests or breaking a bystanders teeth.
One thing that an exaggerated, Danny Dyer-version-of-a-bloke would never do is have an opinion of women that is based on equanimity and respect – cause that’s gay right. You’re going to have to put 100 years of women’s rights to one side by being dismissive of their capacity to successfully operate cars, by making crass schoolyard innuendos, and determining that every expression of displeasure that a woman makes is a result of “having the painters in.” It is especially important that you behave in this manner when in the company of both men and women; the more that your laddish peers see you denigrate and embarrass a female friend or colleague the more they’ll think you’re a proper bloke who’s not afraid to put a woman in her proper place…..or something.
Carry out all of the above actions and you’ll successfully be an exaggerated overtly manly guy, or dickhead as they’re otherwise known. You will then be ready to take your place alongside Danny Dyer, Chris Brown and Nuts magazine readers/serial masturbators.
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