In the wake of media coverage both in the U.K. and the U.S about the availability of drug testing facilities at music festivals, hundreds of enthusiastic people have emailed a host of top festivals to apply for a job as drug tester – believing that it was a job for a human and not simply a machine that tests drugs.
Unscrupulous dealers have been attempting to pass off bath salts, which the Daily Mail has described as a “super evil mega death drug”, as what most right thinking people, Wunderground and medical science agree is relatively “harmless” – MDMA to festival goers across the world, resulting in a backlash at the lack of dedicated drug testing facilities on festival sites.
Festivals such as Glastonbury, Boomtown, Burning Man and Coachella have reportedly all received emails from eager drug users in the hope that they could pursue their “dream job” with some even claiming they’d “do it for free”.
“I’m just shattered, I can’t believe it. I read about the need for drug testers to be introduced at festivals and immediately thought that it was the perfect role for me,” claimed 24 year old fashion college graduate Anna from London. “I’ve been testing drugs at an amateur level since I was 14 but feel ready to do it professionally if just given the chance.”
Anna claims she can identify any drug known to man simply by sniffing a line of it, rubbing it on her gum and even by sight alone – the glassy eyed youngster claims to be able to spot marijuana from twenty paces using nothing more than a quick eyeball “even if I’m drunk and it’s like against a tree or in some grass”.
A spokesperson for Glastonbury claimed that they received emails from a small number of people, each of which contained promises that “they could totally handle their shit” and “weren’t lightweights”, offering to send audition tapes of them and their friends “on the session” as proof of their reliability for the role.
“We received CVs with work experience listed as ‘Weed smoking at college 2003’, ‘ecstasy every weekend since 2004’ and even ‘Glastonbury Sacred Space 2005 – 2014,'” added the statement. “One even contained a rather professionally produced audition video of a man in his 40s providing a Powerpoint display of how he was perfect for the role and that if he got it he’d immediately leave his well paid job as a policeman.”
“The fact that these people mistook a drug testing piece of equipment for an actual job probably means that they should probably stop taking drugs,” concluded the spokesperson. “We urge everyone to stop sending us applications to become a drug tester at Glastonbury as the position doesn’t exist anywhere but inside your decrepit mind.”
