Hungover Man Fakes Own Death To Get Out Of Work
A 25-year-old Londoner has reportedly discovered the most effective, yet costly, way to avoid working on a hangover – faking your own death.
On Monday Mark Bishop, from Stoke Newington, attempted to get out of work by pulling a standard sickie after spending a heavy weekend on “the absolute session”, according to reports.
“I had one of those weekends where you go out for a couple on Friday only to get home, a shadow of a shadow of your former, former self on Monday morning,” explained Mark via his tissue covered hangover sickbed between episodes of The Office. “Throughout that 72 hour period I’d been to two different club nights, had one six hour disco nap, three bags of ket, a little bit of coke, four pills and God knows how much alcohol.”
“I was probably as close to clinically dead as an alive person could be,” he added. “But it was a great weekend, I mean, it was exactly the same as every other heavy weekend I’ve had for the last decade but still like, real good.”
Mark claims he phoned his boss at the graphic design firm where he works to complain about having a sore throat and needing to take the day off only for the boss to rightly identify that he was a malingering hungover mess and force him to come into work.
“I don’t know where I went wrong, I put on the voice, gave the overly elaborate description of symptoms and coughed a little bit dramatically down the phone,” explained Mark. “All patented fail-safes for proving sickness but the boss just said ‘this is the fifteenth sore throat you’ve had this year, all on Monday mornings, get up to fuck.'”
Mark insists that he was left with no choice but to take extreme measures to ensure that he “didn’t have to make eye contact with anyone or sit at a desk for eight hours fighting off a panic attack”.
“So I faked my own death,” he explained. “It was fairly simple to do, I just got some mates to write condolences on my Facebook page all morning, eventually, with no recourse to check if I was actually dead, people just sorta assumed it was true.”
“My phone was ringing off the hook but I was hiding in my room, wanking and eating biscuits so that helped with the illusion,” he concluded. “Eventually my boss wrote a heartfelt eulogy/apology on my Facebook, saying how much he regretted that the last communication he had with me was an angry bollocking.”
“Don’t know how I’m going to get away with going back tomorrow,” he added.