Soon-to-be former Liverpool professional footballer and amateur DJ assaulter, Steven Gerrard, has today expressed how much he’s looking forward to beating up defenseless DJs in New York.
The Liverpudlian, famous for never winning a Premier League medal, that slip and the squeaky voice of one of Paul Whitehouse’s comic scouse creations, was arrested in the past for repeatedly punching a DJ in the face in a local nightclub.
The row, believed to have broken out when the DJ refused to play a track that Gerrard requested – suspected to have been Wham’s Club Tropicana, was captured on CCTV and resulted in the Liverpool captain being arrested and charged with assault.
“That was probably one of the highlights of my career, Cantona kicked a mouthy fan and I got to punch a DJ who didn’t deign to immediately defer to my fame and do exactly what I wanted,” explained Gerrard.
“I think anyone who’s ever screamed a request in a working DJs ear mid-mix will know the frustration it can cause when the DJ doesn’t drop everything and immediately play whatever out of context bullshit track you want,” continued Stevie G. “I’m just lucky that my degree of fame allowed me to act out that frustration with my fists without suffering any real consequences.”
Gerrard says he’s looking forward to “throwing [his] weight” around New York’s nightclubs and has spent the last few months “rubbing hot gravel” onto his knuckles to form rock hard calluses capable of breaking the jaw of even the most seasoned vinyl spinner.
“I’m not sure what the scene is like over there but I can bet you whichever DJ is playing won’t have any Stereophonics and when that happens, he’s going down.”
“I don’t care if it’s one of the top, top DJs, I’m going out there to do a job and if he gets in my way then we’ll have problems.”
