“I Invented The Amen Break” Claims will.i.am

Angular-haired, shutter-shades wearing pop-gump, will.i.am, is reportedly preparing an intellectual property lawsuit against his fellow musicians claiming that he invented the famous Amen Break.

Considered by some to be one of the most important pieces of music ever written, the break has been featured in literally thousands of songs across genres like drum and bass, hip hop and jungle and was purportedly written by G.C. Coleman of funk outfit The Winstons in 1969.

“Nah, he didn’t invent it,” claimed will.i.am. “I did, sure I was born 6 years after it was first performed but that doesn’t mean I didn’t make it.”

will.I.am claims that the original Amen Break is a fraud and that he actually wrote it as a precocious 39-year-old after hearing how much money stood to be made by suing musicians for using music that sounds broadly similar to yours.

“I got the idea for the drum riff when I heard about Robin Thicke and Pharrell getting sued for $7.3 million for making a song that sounded sorta like Marvin Gaye,” claimed the singer who has been routinely voted world’s worst person. “I initially was going to claim that I invented Marvin Gaye but then I realised that’d make me his father and I’d have to go to prison for his murder. Someone with hair like mine wouldn’t last long in lock up.”

“I pored through music history for things that I probably invented and then it hit me that I did actually invent the Amen Break as a child. I was drumming around my house, slapping walls and will.I.am’s belly when I invented the Amen Break,” claimed the singer, speaking about himself in the third person. “Straight away I recorded it onto my Fisher Price tape recorder and copywrote it on the back of a candy wrapper with my imaginary friend Tim as witness. It’s airtight.”

The singer, famed for being vaguely cretinous across a host of media and being sort of Kanye-like for egotistical delusions, is reportedly suing for royalties anyone who has ever before used the Amen Break in any track.

“I don’t care if you hummed it in the shower or accidentally played it when boredly tapping on your desk, I want my money,” raged will.I.am whose ‘career’ has floundered to the point where he’s a talking head on a reality show, occupying the role of annoying American. “You know that production company credit sequence where the little kid says ‘I made this?’ I made that.”

Some other things that will.i.am is claiming to have invented include toothpaste, Facebook, saying ‘Waaasssup’, sliced bread, the civil rights movement and the concept of shame.

If successful in his pursuit of royalties from the Amen Break, will.i.am claims he’s going to buy one of those Dubai islands that he’ll have crafted in the shape of his own grinning face.

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