Dutch trance sellout, Tiësto, has shocked the music industry by announcing that the “next big thing in EDM” is a shit he took in a show box just over two months ago.
Tiësto claims to have shit in the shoe box after being caught short on an overnight train journey between the Netherlands and Italy in June of this year.
“I was sleeping in my train carriage when I woke up desperately in need of a shit,” explained Tiësto during a recent interview. “I knew I didn’t have time to make it to the toilets and the only other options I had were to shit on my PA, Klaus, or in the box of a pair of shoes I had bought earlier that day.”
“I wanted to shit on Klaus but he said that actively becoming a toilet was beyond the reaches of his duty as my PA so I was left with no choice but to shit in the shoe box,” claimed the Dutch DJ. “It was all over very quickly, I’d eaten Indian food earlier that day and the shit was very eager to come out of me.”
“Not wanting to leave a box full of my own celebrity shit on a train for the press to have a field day with, I done what any rational thinking superstar would have done,” he continued. “Which was to spray some Lynx Africa into the box, dust it with magic powder, ketamine, and stick it into the bottom of my bag to be disposed off at a more suitable time.”
Tiësto, who has named the shit DJ Dash To De Loo, claims to have forgotten about the shit in the box for the last two months, the exact time it takes a lump of shit to gestate into an EDM DJ when it has been exposed to Lynx Africa and ketamine.
“I couldn’t believe it when I opened the box and saw this perfect EDM DJ looking up at me,” explained Tiësto. “It was one of the proudest moments of my life. Now I know how god must have felt when he created Adam and Eve or how Martin Garrix’s mother must have felt when she found a shit EDM DJ in her house.”
It is now believed that Tiësto is planning to start a company dedicated to making EDM DJs out of his own shit after the Dutch producer bought the distribution rights for Lynx Africa in the Netherlands and a small ketamine factory in Mumbai, India.
