In a shocking revelation from the EDM industry, Dutch goldenboy Martin Garrix has been exposed as having fathered at least twelve children since bursting onto the scene with his debut smash hit single Animals in June 2013.
Garrix, now eighteen years old, has lived a somewhat sheltered life having been bought by Tiësto’s label, Black Hole Recordings, in a swap deal for a signed copy of the Dutch trance aficionado’s 2000 remix of Delerium’s Silence when he was just four years old.
“Garrix spent his formative years watching Tiësto work and learning how to produce near perfect formulaic electronic music,” revealed a label executive from Black Hole Recordings. “So he hasn’t really received any sort of education – meaning that he doesn’t really have a clue about how anything, apart from EDM, actually works.”
“Sure he knows how to pre-record DJ sets, press play on a CDJ and successfully market the same piece of music in multiple forms as good as anyone on Earth,” continued the un-named source, “but does he know that the area of a circle can be calculated by using the formula pi r squared or that babies are made through sexual intercourse? I think not.”
“Martin wasn’t ready for the big bad world, we had planned on gradually introducing him to society or, better yet, keeping him chained up in our cellar and using him as a ghost producer,” he explained. “But Animals was so successful that we couldn’t hold onto him any longer, we had created our own animal and it was more powerful than any of us ever could have imagined,”
Since the release of Animals in June 2013 it is estimated that Garrix has bedded over four thousand of his fans, a figure which can be staggeringly broken down to over eight women a day.
Garrix’s children first started to appear in May of this year and have continued to emerge at a steady pace. There is now twelve reported babies, although authorities believe that this may just be the tip of the iceberg and fear that by this time next year Garrix could be the father of up to one hundred “bastard children”.
“I didn’t know what I was doing,” claimed Garrix in a recent interview. “Nobody told me anything about children coming from my pee pee with the sex wee. I should have been told. It’s all Tiësto’s fault, now every time I’m having sex with a fan I’m going to be thinking ‘If I get this bitch pregnant it’s Tiësto’s fault’ his face is now all I see when I’m having sex and I hate him for that.”
Media outlets in the Netherlands are reporting that ten of the twelve children Garrix has fathered are boys and negotiations are believed to be underway between the boys’ mothers and Black Hole Recordings in an attempt to turn the children into an army of super human EDM robots, although they are facing stiff competition from Amsterdam’s Ajax Football Club who see a team full of mini Garrixs as a marketing miracle.
