“I Tried Ecstasy And Now I’m Gay” Claims American Teenager

A young teenager has today claimed that popular dance music party drug ecstasy has turned him gay.

Sebastian Hollander, pictured, told Wunderground that he’s never acted on any gay impulses before taking the drug and that after spending a few weekends under the influence of the drug he is now irrevocably gay.

“I never looked at guys sexually before taking the drug,” admitted 16 year old Sebastian. “Or if I did, it was an innocent sort of admiration for undeniably attractive masculine qualities like confidence, dress sense and penis length and girth.”

It is suspected that the drug, believed to access the part of the brain that likes musicals, Judy Garland and bum sex, may have worked in conjunction with the inclusive and permissive culture of dance music to create an environment where Sebastian’s gay tendencies were able to flourish.

“It’s well known that MDMA can induce a torrent of serotonin in the brain causing users to happily focus on the commonality and beauty of all people in an accepting and natural way,” claimed neuroscientist Dr. Barry Jessop. “It’s this outlook that could have triggered Sebastian’s sexual feelings towards men and turned him super gay.”

Sebastian claims that he doesn’t mind that ecstasy definitely turned him gay but claims that his right wing Christian parents are planning on disowning him unless he undergoes some conversion therapy to make him “normal” and that many formerly gay men went on to live happy closet bound lives like Oscar Wilde or Alan Turing.

“I only took the pills three times and now I’m gay, or was I gay to begin with and its just now coming out?” queried Sebastian. “Dealing with the changes is just hard. Like for example, I used to really enjoy the competitive nature of football but I find myself increasingly wondering what the players would look like naked or what would happen if they leaned over causing their towel to drop on the floor invitingly or looked into my eyes while panting as spit drools from their mouths onto my waiting penis.”

“It’s strange and new but I kind of like football even more now,” he added.

Experts in repressing homosexuality from the churches of Scientology and Catholicism recommend burying your homosexual urges by exercising constantly, calling other people faggot or “doing a Fred Phelps” and starting a bigoted church to disguise your own latent homosexuality.

“Lashing out at other gays is the best way to hide you’re gay,” claimed a Church of Scientology conversion therapy expert, James Travolta.

“If you’re beating up gays then the last thing anybody is going to think is that you’re also gay and that the gay bashing is some kind of transferred self loathing and that you probably go home and wank about it being you on the receiving end of the beating while crying at the same time. No one is thinking that at all.”

James claimed that the conversion therapy is a guaranteed success and believes that Sebastian should definitely sign up claiming that “only a mere 95% of the men [they] advise to hide their gayness end up committing violence against themselves or others.”

“We’d recommend getting a mannish girlfriend with big hands and a strong grip then convincing her to allow you to conduct anal sex on her anus and then simply closing your eyes and pretending that her bum hole is a dude you likes bum hole,” offered parish priest Fr. Simon O’ Meara.

“It’s okay if you have unhappy sex with a woman you don’t find attractive while imagining a man for the rest of your life cause gay sex is evil and if you had gay sex with a man you’d probably go to Hell where there’d be nothing but disgusting, evil gay sex for all eternity and you wouldn’t like that now, would you?”