English DJ and producer Hot Since 82 has surprised the entire electronic music industry by admitting that he wasn’t actually hot until “some time around 1991”.
Hot Since 82, real name Daley Padley, made the shocking admittance on Monday, while feeling a little “emotionally unsettled” after a tough weekend of partying. Padley also confessed to years of guilt riddled anguish, every Monday and the occasional Tuesday, caused by having people think he was a “hot baby”.
“First off I just want to say it’s a great relief to finally get the fact that for the first seven or eight years of my life I wasn’t really that hot off my chest,” explained Hot Since 82 to Wunderground earlier today. “I just feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders – as if I had a fat baby on my shoulders all these years but now I’ve set him down, given him a pound for an ice cream and told him to run along.”
“I was quite a late bloomer to be honest with you,” continued Hot Since 82. “I mean sure I was a cute baby but all babies are cute aren’t they? In spite of my obvious cuteness I was never going to win any Bonny Baby competitions or a modelling contract for Pampers or Werther’s Original, that’s for sure.”
“I’ve seen photographs of myself as a toddler and, to put it mildly, I looked like what would happen if former Man United footballer Luke Chadwick and Sloth from the film The Goonies had somehow both got Susan Boyle pregnant and 9 months later my smushed head fell gurning and drooling from her chasm-like fanny,” he declared honestly before showing us a picture of him as a child that made us genuinely gag on a small bit of eggy vomit.
“Even for a kid from Leeds, that is pretty damn ugly, you’d have to be a right Jimmy Saville to think that was hot,” he added.
“I’ve been told that once I turned nine I started to grow into my face and become a little more aesthetically pleasing on the eye,” he continued, “then I hit puberty and the rest is history. During my final years in primary school my school mates actually started calling me the ugly duckling,” he explained.
“But that soon wore off after I got hot and all the other kids got progressively uglier when acne and hormones started to stamp all over their youthful good looks like a Nazi guard on the neck of prisoner,” he recounted with a snigger.
Hot Since 82 has said he has no intention of changing his name to Hot Since In And Around 91, claiming that “82 was a great year for the world” and even though he “wasn’t hot” it was still the year he was born and should be “celebrated appropriately”.
Lovely!