Ibiza’s local government have politely asked clubbing tourists to “just go away” after new legislation was put in place which will force all clubs to shut their doors by 6:30am.
The new licensing laws will kick into action next summer, limiting the time spent in the island’s superclubs to visitors of party island.
Local counselor Tony Torres spoke to Wunderground, “We’re sick of people thinking that the only thing our beautiful island has to offer is a hedonistic, twenty four hour party culture so we’re actively looking at ways to slowly remove that element from the island.”
“It’s definitely a work in progress,” continued the politician, who like all politicians looked more lizard than man. “At the moment, we’ve gone from being a twenty four hour island to being about a twelve hour island, which is really good for the locals because we can get very cranky if we don’t sleep for at least three hours half way through our working day.”
“We’ll probably let these new changes settle for a year or two and then think up an excuse to reduce the hours even more,” claimed Torres. “Eventually we hope to have reduced the opening hours of the clubs so much that they’ll have no choice but to become supercafes, with a much more PG family atmosphere.”
“Personally we’d prefer if all the clubbing tourists would just go away, there are plenty of alternatives to Ibiza at this stage,” revealed the politician, known locally as “a bollix”. “We’ve been trying to phase it out for years, firstly with over inflated, extortionate drink and entry prices but that didn’t work.”
“Then, we introduced random acts of police brutality and that didn’t work either. Now we’re hoping to cut the problem at the source by strangling the clubs, we’ve also introduced a new ‘tourist tax’ so hopefully with these two new obstacles we’ll be well on the way to a tourist free island.” he added. “We just want our island back, we’re simple island folk here, there’s no place for any of that flash clubbing culture anymore, the quicker clubbing tourists just go away the better as far as I’m concerned.”
According to experts, the change to opening hours will have little or no effect on clubbing tourists, who they predict will move to hotels or beaches to continue partying. However, the new laws are likely to result in a record number of “Ibiza veterans” claiming that the islands “not what it used to be”.
