Famed party island and pill head sanctuary, Ibiza, has undergone its yearly descent to the bottom of the Mediterranean where it will stay until next April. The island, which also serves as a giant plug, hydraulically lowers to the seabed at the end of every season.
“Not a lot of people know that the island of Ibiza was originally designed as a giant mechanical plug that is used to close a mysterious vent in the ocean floor,” explained president of the Consell Insular of Ibiza, Vicent Serra Ferrer. “The vent appeared in the mid 1980s and appears to lead to another dimension,” he added offhandedly.
“So far no forms of life have come through from the other dimension,” continued Sr. Ferrer. “But since it first appeared it has been leaking massive amounts of illegal substances like ecstasy, cocaine and ketamine. It’s actually been given the unofficial title Dimension: X-stasy.”
Sr. Ferrer claimed that the vent is directly responsible for most of the drug trade on the white isle. “Most of the drug headlines that plague Ibiza claim that the drugs on the island come through North Africa or the rectal cavities of impressionable young women but in fact the vast majority come through the vent to another dimension in the ocean floor,” he continued.
So far any efforts to close or destroy the vent have failed which forced scientists to the palliative solution of using the giant plug to withhold the massive current of drugs coming through.
“We tried to send a special team down to manually close the vent in the late 80s,” claimed Sr. Ferrer. “But unfortunately the sheer concentrations of narcotic substances coming through the vent left the team incapacitated and unable to complete their mission. The crack team of Happy Monday’s frontman, Shaun Ryder, and veteran drug-taker, Bez, were never the same after that.”
After the failed attempt to close the vent a team of oceanographic scientists ran a series of tests which indicated that, due to the enormous pressures involved, the vent could not be closed permanently but could only be sealed for a few months at a time.
“We once tried to close it for a whole year in 1987 but the pressure became so great that the island capsized and drugs rushed through at an alarming rate. This little reported capsizing of a land mass was directly responsible for the 1988 Second Summer of Love,” asserted chief scientist Pablo Jimenez. “So now we only try to withstand the pressure of the drugs for a few months at a time before we raise the island every summer to ease the pressure which, unfortunately, lets the drugs through.”
