The once exclusive hedonistic dance music mecca Ibiza has now become nothing more than a backdrop for the soap opera of the world to play out in red top newspapers.
Following on from Orlando Bloom’s punch up with preening pop hate figure and lesbian impersonator Justin Bieber, widely considered by many to be Bloom’s finest performance to date, the island has become synonymous with celebrities living out their vacuous, self absorbed yet well publicised shenanigans.
“Over the last month there hasn’t been a day going by where some other celebrity or former child star or D-list reality star is coming to Ibiza to take photos and pretend they like dance music thanks to its increasing standing as a musical genre in the US,” claimed one life long Ibiza ‘caner’ and hippy Brandon. “It’s gotten to the point where I can’t go out because of the awkwardness of seeing stupid people fawn over other stupid yet famous people in overpriced EDM clubs while another stupid yet famous person swans about on stage playing uninspired bland crap with no ethos or spirit whatsoever.”
“I blame Paris Hilton and the rise of VIP culture in clubbing more generally for turning Ibiza from a debauched clubbing paradise to a giant red carpet where pop gimps like Harry Styles can tweet from a yacht while thinking he’s imbibing the culture by planning to work with David Guetta or that he’s experiencing the Ibiza magic by drinking champagne in the VIP room at Privilege.”
Other celebs who are being blamed for turning the island into a summer time fashion accessory and place where they can rack up “cool points” include Leonardo Di Caprio, Kanye West (pictured here with some desperate former models).
Reports from the island claim that plans are in place for celebrity enablers like TMZ and News International to have a permanent base on the island so they can see which reality TV show cast member they can catch taking drugs and to spot loved up celeb couples being photographed “unwillingly” for money from a distance.
“It’s the new Hollywood for celeb spotting,” concluded some gossip reading cretin who actually enjoys that shit. “I just today spotted Lindsay Lohan taking pills and dancing just like an other fucked up drug taking twentysomething except famouser. It’s amazing.”